Thursday 22 October 2009
His frantic balaam !
Graveyard of the Shuttlecocks if front runner to win the 2009 National Poetry Competition run by the Poetry society of Great Britan. Igglesworth's expectant followers await the results in January 2010. Watch this space !
Thursday 15 October 2009
Wednesday 14 October 2009
Is My Simple Enough?
Igglesworth's outstanding line 'Is my simple enough?' from his popular 1987 poem Wisdom, Intelligence, Torch has recently been the subject of intense debate at Yale University in New Haven, USA after PhD student Eric Gombleputty won the prestigious Noah Webster Prize with his essay on the line. His PhD dissertation prospectus was submitted and approved by the Department of English in the McDougal Center over a year ago but even Gombleputty himself was surprised at the award. "I'm as happy as a purple toadflax" mused the student.
Current Projects
Igglesworth is currently working on four major literary projects:
1. Screenplay based on his novel 'Yamat Shelomo' the story of a Welsh schoolboy and the evolutionary fluke which led to a bizarre and dangerous encounter in the village of Makhfal al Wadi Musa in 464 BC.
2. Short story 'Cormack' the British Diplomat and his alien Grade 9 Executive Officer colleague, Ludd.
3. Follow up to his greatest poem 'Aubergine'
4. Adaptation for radio of his critically acclaimed short story 'Tallinn Station Post Office'
1. Screenplay based on his novel 'Yamat Shelomo' the story of a Welsh schoolboy and the evolutionary fluke which led to a bizarre and dangerous encounter in the village of Makhfal al Wadi Musa in 464 BC.
2. Short story 'Cormack' the British Diplomat and his alien Grade 9 Executive Officer colleague, Ludd.
3. Follow up to his greatest poem 'Aubergine'
4. Adaptation for radio of his critically acclaimed short story 'Tallinn Station Post Office'
Roger Cook
Charlatan supreme, liar and slave and impostor.
Pharisee unequalled, phoney and traitor and slug.
Simpleton extraordinaire, dawdler and cretin and half-bake.
ponce peerless, perjurer, and psychotic and pirate.
Pharisee unequalled, phoney and traitor and slug.
Simpleton extraordinaire, dawdler and cretin and half-bake.
ponce peerless, perjurer, and psychotic and pirate.
Nightless City
Blasphemous worshippers of luck,
Frequent the tortoise stride
Jump to the absolute,
Maidens mugs and averages
Where the Prince reigns over vows
Of pragmatic effects of guns
And still when Bergine claws,
Antiquity,antiquity,antiquity
Antiquity, anonymity, street credibility
A decade, by toilets, by salty knees
Awaken the archaic barons
Of systems, of veils, of offs
Two bees, two knots, too nippy
Lick the bowl or luck ,
And die in shameful rest
Pragmatic, nay, fluidity or
Languid marshlands return
Perfect in it's answers
Stop !!!!
For luck's sake.
Frequent the tortoise stride
Jump to the absolute,
Maidens mugs and averages
Where the Prince reigns over vows
Of pragmatic effects of guns
And still when Bergine claws,
Antiquity,antiquity,antiquity
Antiquity, anonymity, street credibility
A decade, by toilets, by salty knees
Awaken the archaic barons
Of systems, of veils, of offs
Two bees, two knots, too nippy
Lick the bowl or luck ,
And die in shameful rest
Pragmatic, nay, fluidity or
Languid marshlands return
Perfect in it's answers
Stop !!!!
For luck's sake.
Wisdom, Intelligence, Torch
Storms of the brain
Deductive Reasoning
Like catalysts of creative sparks
To Chooring, he is the unit
Remote from the physicality
No accepted definition
At making machines
Even certain inherent extents
It can't be concepts
Pass the Chooring?
On the second day of the match
Conventional knowledge exists
Is my simple enough?
Three associations of this form
I cannot propose the predicates
Because the risk is too risky
Disease ridden infrences
But is it logical?
Applications of my information
Rules were set out
Strategic peculiarity is not here
But methods are led
To apply in a certain area
And the semantic remains
Bases like logic like flexibility
Capacity has been reduced
In a format of change
I see a light
I see smoke
I see a flame
Deductive Reasoning
Like catalysts of creative sparks
To Chooring, he is the unit
Remote from the physicality
No accepted definition
At making machines
Even certain inherent extents
It can't be concepts
Pass the Chooring?
On the second day of the match
Conventional knowledge exists
Is my simple enough?
Three associations of this form
I cannot propose the predicates
Because the risk is too risky
Disease ridden infrences
But is it logical?
Applications of my information
Rules were set out
Strategic peculiarity is not here
But methods are led
To apply in a certain area
And the semantic remains
Bases like logic like flexibility
Capacity has been reduced
In a format of change
I see a light
I see smoke
I see a flame
The Hunter
Silent and sleak
Mild and meek
Hiding in the grass
It's a pity they want your tusks
Glasgow, 1987
Mild and meek
Hiding in the grass
It's a pity they want your tusks
Glasgow, 1987
But I Had
Seam to seem, and then again seem to seam;
Gross indifference clogs the planet
Until one repeats oneself in vain, in vain
Bandits !
Gross indifference clogs the planet
Until one repeats oneself in vain, in vain
Bandits !
January 31st
Indians ride their horses
All yew is driled
And Custer shall triumph,
In St.Mara's house,
Ha! Ha! you shouldn't
Have woken those dogs,
Not fifteen days ago,
Linger in death man of all yew,
For next year the dogs screw the horses
All yew is driled
And Custer shall triumph,
In St.Mara's house,
Ha! Ha! you shouldn't
Have woken those dogs,
Not fifteen days ago,
Linger in death man of all yew,
For next year the dogs screw the horses
Lazy Susan and The Gombeen Man
I've got soul but I'm not a soldier
What?
I've got cunt but I'm not a country
What?
I've got cunt but I'm not a country
The Purple Toadflax
A mat, on a burrowing figwort
A handle, on a stinking hellbore
A beard, on a hairy seablite
A labyrinth, on a purple toadflax
The tooth, of a shrubby sneezepump
The eye, of a raming fumitory
The grip, of a goaded houseleek
The labyrinth, of a purple toadflax
No shine, from a blissful jugsag
No blessing, from a spotted crab-louse
No ties, from a gleemish pigwidgin
No labyrinth, from a purple toadflax
No labyrinth, from a purple toadflax
A handle, on a stinking hellbore
A beard, on a hairy seablite
A labyrinth, on a purple toadflax
The tooth, of a shrubby sneezepump
The eye, of a raming fumitory
The grip, of a goaded houseleek
The labyrinth, of a purple toadflax
No shine, from a blissful jugsag
No blessing, from a spotted crab-louse
No ties, from a gleemish pigwidgin
No labyrinth, from a purple toadflax
No labyrinth, from a purple toadflax
Black Mass
Fiendish gatherings that Saturday
Crooked animals their glory fight
Innocent, mis-guided heroes
Martyrized by the bastard lynch mob.
Crooked animals their glory fight
Innocent, mis-guided heroes
Martyrized by the bastard lynch mob.
Graveyard of the Shuttlecocks
Examples cannot add splendour, at Tuesday, on dusk.
Bereavements all in dusty death, lie, probably, probably not,
Choke the hunter, his frantic balaam, his sequential steps.
Rampage on the toilet, so ominous but perilous, and Jams
His hands hold life searching for death
Bat mistake, for, four, fower, fewer, frewar, feathers.
___________________________________________
Shettleston Leisure Centre, February 1988
Bereavements all in dusty death, lie, probably, probably not,
Choke the hunter, his frantic balaam, his sequential steps.
Rampage on the toilet, so ominous but perilous, and Jams
His hands hold life searching for death
Bat mistake, for, four, fower, fewer, frewar, feathers.
___________________________________________
Shettleston Leisure Centre, February 1988
Stormlamp
Through the dark mist , chimes indifferent
Seven towers, seven sisters
Every blackguard walks the distance
Keep your night light burning
Seven towers, seven sisters
Every blackguard walks the distance
Keep your night light burning
The Rapee
Icj, yo, je, whatever
The nigger's sweat
Jamboree, jamboree...
Will your anchor hold?
Glasgow 1988
The nigger's sweat
Jamboree, jamboree...
Will your anchor hold?
Glasgow 1988
The Fox (homage to Ted Hughes)
Willie, the sly
His mechanical conscience,
Challenging death, no, not yet.
Bounding out of human eye
Willie, perpetual hunter
Morning is nigh.
Maternal instinct
Forefront of his personality
Body, head.....Distinct.
Glasgow 1987
His mechanical conscience,
Challenging death, no, not yet.
Bounding out of human eye
Willie, perpetual hunter
Morning is nigh.
Maternal instinct
Forefront of his personality
Body, head.....Distinct.
Glasgow 1987
Warfare
Christmas has sauntered by;
Upon the ground the snow doth lie,
How it melts with unsurpassed ease
Glasgow 1987
Upon the ground the snow doth lie,
How it melts with unsurpassed ease
Glasgow 1987
Aubergine
Oh ! Bergine, green soup
Quagmire, fantastical marshland
Consistence favours you, Oh !
While, away the coin to drop
On misty bowls, Oh ! China
From within, the emergence of -
Gloss, yellow robust garters
Hold my fire for you
Exclaimed the horses unto him
Oh ! Bergine, my crab
Grave parting
Cry no more
Gullet
Glasgow 1987
Quagmire, fantastical marshland
Consistence favours you, Oh !
While, away the coin to drop
On misty bowls, Oh ! China
From within, the emergence of -
Gloss, yellow robust garters
Hold my fire for you
Exclaimed the horses unto him
Oh ! Bergine, my crab
Grave parting
Cry no more
Gullet
Glasgow 1987
Valley of The Knollys
From Christchurch to the water
Lies a rural three day wonder
By the brook there sings a bird
Reading silently, charging, Danish.
The butts, the castle, the steamer
Are all drowned out
By the rampant roars.
Lies a rural three day wonder
By the brook there sings a bird
Reading silently, charging, Danish.
The butts, the castle, the steamer
Are all drowned out
By the rampant roars.
A Christmas Tale
Christmas is a time of good will
Mince pies and sherry for all
See little Johnny, playing with his clockwork train
It's a pity about your mother and father.
Mince pies and sherry for all
See little Johnny, playing with his clockwork train
It's a pity about your mother and father.
The Grammark
SPURIOUS MUNG, GUMPTIONLESS DUNG,
DRIVELLING CLAT, INFUNDIBULAR TWAT,
FACE-FUNGUS PAP, MUTTON CHOP CRAP,
SNIVELLING SPUTUM, I SMELL ALL.
Glasgow 1988
DRIVELLING CLAT, INFUNDIBULAR TWAT,
FACE-FUNGUS PAP, MUTTON CHOP CRAP,
SNIVELLING SPUTUM, I SMELL ALL.
Glasgow 1988
Amfit Anagrams
Stephen McCusker Diamonds
Shite Crammed Second Spunk
Shite Command Redneck Puss
Cunt Haddock Nemesis Sperm
Anagram of Robert Russell Billy Carroll
Arse Scrubber Lily Roll Troll
Arse Bribery Cull Rolls Troll
Arse Burble Lyric Rolls Troll
Arse Robbery Culls Trill Roll
Arse Blob Curry Lets Rill Roll
Anagram of John Tonner Mark Donaldson
"Nonstandard Elk John Moron
Garry McDonald Tampa Bay
Paddy Arm Got My Anal Crab
Garry McDonald Pharmacist
Dad Grip Rams My Anal Crotch
A Clammy Phart Rang Discord
Trap Godchild Ram McNay Ars
Billy Carroll Las Vegas
Sac Gravy Arse Bill - Loll
Shite Crammed Second Spunk
Shite Command Redneck Puss
Cunt Haddock Nemesis Sperm
Anagram of Robert Russell Billy Carroll
Arse Scrubber Lily Roll Troll
Arse Bribery Cull Rolls Troll
Arse Burble Lyric Rolls Troll
Arse Robbery Culls Trill Roll
Arse Blob Curry Lets Rill Roll
Anagram of John Tonner Mark Donaldson
"Nonstandard Elk John Moron
Garry McDonald Tampa Bay
Paddy Arm Got My Anal Crab
Garry McDonald Pharmacist
Dad Grip Rams My Anal Crotch
A Clammy Phart Rang Discord
Trap Godchild Ram McNay Ars
Billy Carroll Las Vegas
Sac Gravy Arse Bill - Loll
About McCusker of the Diamonds
Its been about ten years or so
Since I woke in the night with a jolt
For out of the blue
A nightmare came true
Was McCusker - really a Claymore?
A poetry lesson learnt hard
McCusker should've been on guard
He should give up the prose
Surely he knows
He is 'no way' a match for The Bard
What that wee nyaff fae the Diamonds?
He was laughed at and beaten and flattened
Steely, Max, Irwin and Wai
Would make the poor bugger cry
As his team were convincingly battered
McCusker, with what can you rhyme it?
Just couldn't find anything to fit
But I soldiered on
Busker, tusker not on
So we'll just have to make do with halfwit
Google 'Diamond Rap' go on, I dare
But I warn you, you must beware
You'll laugh till it hurts
At the collection of turds
On an open topped bus in George Square
McCusker couldn't muster a word
As his head banged the earth with a thud
If it wasn't for Steely
Shedding all the blocks freely
No Way would never've been heard
On a glorious Ravenscraig day
McCusker did utter 'NO WAY'
In all the confusion
He knew the conclusion
That there is only one team in Glezgae
The Diamonds, a bit of a messup
Tamburrini in stockings would dressup
McCusker 'NO WAY'
Its a terrible day
I'm off to do 50 pressups
Hark at O' Line of the Diamonds
Short arse talentless daschunds
Penetration, so easy
For 'kicking pose' Steely
They should've been called Glasgow Hymens
Oh Dear Steve, the Redskins and Villa
Partick Thistle match, hardly a thriller
But it's your first choice that's pish
Every Saturday I wish
That your team still owned crap Kenny Miller
Magnificent film is dear Chitty
Truly Scrumptious now there's a nice bitty
But McCusker's selection
Prokokes not an erection
The Ol' bamboo sleeps, what a pity
You're having some trouble recalling?
My swim moves and forklifts and mauling?
I know its hard to view
Number 69 steaming through
Coz on yer fat Diamond erse ye had fallen
Percussionist Henry Mancini,
After drinking a vat of Martini
Hung his head down in shame
For his newborn was named
Xylophoni, no, wait, Tamburrini
Poor Stevie had a run in with gravity
He fell on his big ginger cavity
He should be over the moon
That we've forgotten so soon
Milngavie garden night prowl Depravity
Poor Stevie, his flight was delayed
At Prestwick departures dismayed
Serves the big tosser right
Ryanair are pure shite
What'd he expect for the two quid* he paid?
*Plus applicable taxes and charges
McCusker, he's clickety click
Knee noise makes me feel really sick
No cartilage, bursitis
Shagged cruciates, arthritis
Explains why he wore sixty-six
Sixty six, he was looking dejected
Doing pressups, he solemnly reflected
For three times in a row
'Gainst the pride of Glasgow
He'd been unceremoniously ejected
Since I woke in the night with a jolt
For out of the blue
A nightmare came true
Was McCusker - really a Claymore?
A poetry lesson learnt hard
McCusker should've been on guard
He should give up the prose
Surely he knows
He is 'no way' a match for The Bard
What that wee nyaff fae the Diamonds?
He was laughed at and beaten and flattened
Steely, Max, Irwin and Wai
Would make the poor bugger cry
As his team were convincingly battered
McCusker, with what can you rhyme it?
Just couldn't find anything to fit
But I soldiered on
Busker, tusker not on
So we'll just have to make do with halfwit
Google 'Diamond Rap' go on, I dare
But I warn you, you must beware
You'll laugh till it hurts
At the collection of turds
On an open topped bus in George Square
McCusker couldn't muster a word
As his head banged the earth with a thud
If it wasn't for Steely
Shedding all the blocks freely
No Way would never've been heard
On a glorious Ravenscraig day
McCusker did utter 'NO WAY'
In all the confusion
He knew the conclusion
That there is only one team in Glezgae
The Diamonds, a bit of a messup
Tamburrini in stockings would dressup
McCusker 'NO WAY'
Its a terrible day
I'm off to do 50 pressups
Hark at O' Line of the Diamonds
Short arse talentless daschunds
Penetration, so easy
For 'kicking pose' Steely
They should've been called Glasgow Hymens
Oh Dear Steve, the Redskins and Villa
Partick Thistle match, hardly a thriller
But it's your first choice that's pish
Every Saturday I wish
That your team still owned crap Kenny Miller
Magnificent film is dear Chitty
Truly Scrumptious now there's a nice bitty
But McCusker's selection
Prokokes not an erection
The Ol' bamboo sleeps, what a pity
You're having some trouble recalling?
My swim moves and forklifts and mauling?
I know its hard to view
Number 69 steaming through
Coz on yer fat Diamond erse ye had fallen
Percussionist Henry Mancini,
After drinking a vat of Martini
Hung his head down in shame
For his newborn was named
Xylophoni, no, wait, Tamburrini
Poor Stevie had a run in with gravity
He fell on his big ginger cavity
He should be over the moon
That we've forgotten so soon
Milngavie garden night prowl Depravity
Poor Stevie, his flight was delayed
At Prestwick departures dismayed
Serves the big tosser right
Ryanair are pure shite
What'd he expect for the two quid* he paid?
*Plus applicable taxes and charges
McCusker, he's clickety click
Knee noise makes me feel really sick
No cartilage, bursitis
Shagged cruciates, arthritis
Explains why he wore sixty-six
Sixty six, he was looking dejected
Doing pressups, he solemnly reflected
For three times in a row
'Gainst the pride of Glasgow
He'd been unceremoniously ejected
About JT
John Tonner, hangman of the arts
Poetic licence he stabbed in the heart
But we still have a chance
That his brains will enhance
By shagging a Paxman tart
Young Johnny T fae Coatbridge
He wiz ugly, so lived in a fridge
A bit like a rabbit
He formed the bad habit
of spending the night in a hedge
JT was a bit of a looney
The bowlers didn't think it was fooney
Moderating this thread
Has gone to his head
Coz His hair's gone all grey like George Clooney
He came by the name of John Tonner
Was always a bit of a loner
Saw a pic of Gail Trimble
And ever so nimble
Went off to service his boner
Poetic licence he stabbed in the heart
But we still have a chance
That his brains will enhance
By shagging a Paxman tart
Young Johnny T fae Coatbridge
He wiz ugly, so lived in a fridge
A bit like a rabbit
He formed the bad habit
of spending the night in a hedge
JT was a bit of a looney
The bowlers didn't think it was fooney
Moderating this thread
Has gone to his head
Coz His hair's gone all grey like George Clooney
He came by the name of John Tonner
Was always a bit of a loner
Saw a pic of Gail Trimble
And ever so nimble
Went off to service his boner
The Grammark Wins Prestgious Poetry Award
Bert recently travelled to the world famous Duntochar Poetry Festival where he picked up the Readers Choice Award sponsored by Country Lift Magazine. In a post ceremony interview with the Scotsman newspaper, he paid tribute to the people of Runcorn who inspired the poem. When asked if the much anticipated Grammark X, the follow-up to the original was due soon, Bert told the correspondent to expect some important news in November 2010.
Welcome
For most of the past 22 years, my work has been gathering dust on various shelves.
Now, for the first time, my creations will be visible to the world.
Read and enjoy
Bert Igglesworth
Royal Leamington Spa, England
October 2009
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